For Where Your Treasure Is
Our family is living in a small studio apartment right now while we are hoping and praying our home will sell in another state. The burden of paying for two living situations is becoming difficult, there is no privacy here, we’re sleeping on air mattresses that keep deflating and I’ve never been much of a camper. Last month I went back to our home that’s for sale to pack up some things, and one thing I realized was that after being away for 3 months with only a card table for furniture and deflated air mattresses, that a lot of these collected possessions didn’t seem as important as before. As I lay in bed last night I was thinking about my possessions packed in boxes as most of my family and friends know that I collect things and I pondered whether I had bought them because I thought I deserved them. I thought deeply about it and asked God to convict my heart, but no I did not believe I had bought them because I truly deserved them, I just like beautiful things and over time I had collected quite a bit. But is that okay? Hmm. I also thanked God for food, clothing and shelter but my mind is doubtful so I also asked God, “You feed the birds of the air and they do not sow or reap, so not to worry about what we will drink, what we will eat or what we will wear, but what about others who do not have these things?” “What about those who are still thirsty?” “Still hungry?” “Is keeping yourself warm by a burning trash can while your stomach growls provision?” “What about the unclothed?” “Is walking the streets at night with no where to go shelter?” But I’ve searched the scripture and do not find where God says that we will always be provided shelter “But you say do not worry and that you will provide drink, food and clothing?” “God I don’t understand.” “You tell us how you feed the birds and how much more important are we, but what about when the winds and rain come and blow the nest out of the tree?” But God’s eyes roam to and fro and He sees everyone and every situation. But the burden is great and I do not exactly how God wants me to help others. My husband came to bed and I shared this with him and he said to me “you have a compassionate heart,” and I replied “but faith without works is dead.”
I looked up this passage this morning where Jesus says the following:
Passage Luke 12:15-34:
15 And he said unto them, Take heed, and keep yourselves from all covetousness: for a man's life consisteth not in the abundance of the things which he possesseth.
16 And he spake a parable unto them, saying, The ground of a certain rich man brought forth plentifully:
17 and he reasoned within himself, saying, What shall I do, because I have not where to bestow my fruits?
18 And he said, This will I do: I will pull down my barns, and build greater; and there will I bestow all my grain and my goods.
19 And I will say to my soul, Soul, thou hast much goods laid up for many years; take thine ease, eat, drink, be merry.
20 But God said unto him, Thou foolish one, this night is thy soul required of thee; and the things which thou hast prepared, whose shall they be?
21 So is he that layeth up treasure for himself, and is not rich toward God.
22 And he said unto his disciples, Therefore I say unto you, Be not anxious for your life, what ye shall eat; nor yet for your body, what ye shall put on.
23 For the life is more than the food, and the body than the raiment.
24 Consider the ravens, that they sow not, neither reap; which have no store-chamber nor barn; and God feedeth them: of how much more value are ye than the birds!
25 And which of you by being anxious can add a cubit unto the measure of his life?
26 If then ye are not able to do even that which is least, why are ye anxious concerning the rest?
27 Consider the lilies, how they grow: they toil not, neither do they spin; yet I say unto you, Even Solomon in all his glory was not arrayed like one of these.
28 But if God doth so clothe the grass in the field, which to-day is, and to-morrow is cast into the oven; how much more shall he clothe you, O ye of little faith?
29 And seek not ye what ye shall eat, and what ye shall drink, neither be ye of doubtful mind.
30 For all these things do the nations of the world seek after: but your Father knoweth that ye have need of these things.
31 Yet seek ye his kingdom, and these things shall be added unto you.
32 Fear not, little flock; for it is your Father's good pleasure to give you the kingdom.
33 Sell that which ye have, and give alms; make for yourselves purses which wax not old, a treasure in the heavens that faileth not, where no thief draweth near, neither moth destroyeth.
34 For where your treasure is, there will your heart be also.
So my treasure is to seek the kingdom of God. Not things. And for many that is difficult and I stand in the ranks of the many. No, our family is not materially rich, but to some we are, and to some we are poor. I have always told my son that there will always be those who have more that us and there will always be those who have less. Life is not equal. But what we have is meaningless to God. The Bible says “all nations” seek to have more. But it is all fruitless without God. God’s kingdom is above what our finite minds can comprehend in the provision of food, drink, clothing and what we can store away. Yes, life is the most important thing and having Jesus as our Savior and seeking God’s kingdom. His will is more than life itself. None of us know when our life will end but we can be ready. When people have passed away there have been families split over the deceased’ possessions. What were they really worth since in the end they may be savagely divided as if by wild dogs? Life is more important and you can’t truly live or have life without Jesus. Each person’s material possessions is a personal decision between them and God. I can judge no one. But I do have to be accountable for myself. Regarding what I said in the beginning, this verse just caught my eye and heart the most.
Luke 12:26 If then ye are not able to do even that which is least, why are ye anxious concerning the rest?
Now…what am I going to do with that?
Saturday, May 16, 2009
Thursday, May 7, 2009
HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY!
"Bad Mother"
Letter to a Friend
Hey girl! Have you heard about this book "Bad Mother?" I saw the author interviewed on the Morning Show this morning. It is about so many mothers who judge other mothers over so many things because they think "they" have it all together, that they are perfect mothers and have the best children, to make themselves feel better, make themselves superior or because they feel like a bad mother themselves and how the fathers don't have to measure up to these standards. I might have to get the book.
But what I wanted mainly to say as I watched this interview is that "YOU" are a "GOOD" mother. And ya know what?...so am I. I was never a soccer mom or have not done tons of community service although I have my own service between me and God along with convictions and it makes me proud when I hear my child tell me he made the right choice by helping another, my child isn't perfect, nor I or my family, but we care and even if we see some other mothers who seems to act perfect and have it all together it just ain't so. I love my child dearly and would protect him at all cost.
I've suffered with guilt for many years because I didn't have the "model" hospital delivery, I'm not the best cook...not by my choice, but my kid barely eats fruits and vegetables, I've cussed at my child, there were times I should have been there and was not. My child is not an honor roll student nor does he care but I give him incentives to make A, B and C's. I'm constantly tired...and the list goes on for every mother out there. But God knew I was mean't to be a mother even though the doctor said "you can't do it" because of depression and being off medication for a year. I will never be the perfect mom but who is?... but a lot of things I've done right...and I have relished the moments when my child has expressed "alright Mom!, "WOW Mom!" and "Super Mom!" and you know, somehow, not always in our time table, we pray our kids turn out alright. Some women may choose to believe they have it totally together and judge other mothers but they are only fooling themselves under the pressure to want to be perfect in others eyes...which really is just insecurity.
"YOU" my friend are an excellent mother, despite it all. I am too. And I love and miss you greatly.
HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY!
All my love. Your sister, Bev
Letter to a Friend
Hey girl! Have you heard about this book "Bad Mother?" I saw the author interviewed on the Morning Show this morning. It is about so many mothers who judge other mothers over so many things because they think "they" have it all together, that they are perfect mothers and have the best children, to make themselves feel better, make themselves superior or because they feel like a bad mother themselves and how the fathers don't have to measure up to these standards. I might have to get the book.
But what I wanted mainly to say as I watched this interview is that "YOU" are a "GOOD" mother. And ya know what?...so am I. I was never a soccer mom or have not done tons of community service although I have my own service between me and God along with convictions and it makes me proud when I hear my child tell me he made the right choice by helping another, my child isn't perfect, nor I or my family, but we care and even if we see some other mothers who seems to act perfect and have it all together it just ain't so. I love my child dearly and would protect him at all cost.
I've suffered with guilt for many years because I didn't have the "model" hospital delivery, I'm not the best cook...not by my choice, but my kid barely eats fruits and vegetables, I've cussed at my child, there were times I should have been there and was not. My child is not an honor roll student nor does he care but I give him incentives to make A, B and C's. I'm constantly tired...and the list goes on for every mother out there. But God knew I was mean't to be a mother even though the doctor said "you can't do it" because of depression and being off medication for a year. I will never be the perfect mom but who is?... but a lot of things I've done right...and I have relished the moments when my child has expressed "alright Mom!, "WOW Mom!" and "Super Mom!" and you know, somehow, not always in our time table, we pray our kids turn out alright. Some women may choose to believe they have it totally together and judge other mothers but they are only fooling themselves under the pressure to want to be perfect in others eyes...which really is just insecurity.
"YOU" my friend are an excellent mother, despite it all. I am too. And I love and miss you greatly.
HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY!
All my love. Your sister, Bev
Thursday, February 12, 2009
Spring Flowers
A Time for Renewal
Spring will be upon us in just a couple of months…a time for fresh air and renewal. I need renewal, in fact it’s already started to bud. I love flowers. We are moving to Connecticut and I don’t know where we’ll live yet, but there will be flowers. I’ve been going to goodwill and antique shops and buying up flower pots this winter that nobody else wanted.
Do you ever feel like an empty flower pot that nobody wanted? I have at times. That’s why we need God’s renewal. He takes His kind hands and cleans the pot, then gently places the soil and plants flowers that bloom and grow. It is a beautiful creation. Sometimes a weed gets in the pot and you have to remove it so it does not choke out the flowers that are blooming. God does that too. He is the master horticulturist and he makes all things new.
Then leaves will start to fall and then winter will come again and the flowers may die as we have struggles in our lives, but if you let God plant a seed in your heart that becomes a bud to a beautiful flower His love in you and yours for Him will grow forever, and there will always be a bloom despite whatever hardship you may face.
You will be a beautiful rose despite that you are surrounded by thorns.
Spring will be upon us in just a couple of months…a time for fresh air and renewal. I need renewal, in fact it’s already started to bud. I love flowers. We are moving to Connecticut and I don’t know where we’ll live yet, but there will be flowers. I’ve been going to goodwill and antique shops and buying up flower pots this winter that nobody else wanted.
Do you ever feel like an empty flower pot that nobody wanted? I have at times. That’s why we need God’s renewal. He takes His kind hands and cleans the pot, then gently places the soil and plants flowers that bloom and grow. It is a beautiful creation. Sometimes a weed gets in the pot and you have to remove it so it does not choke out the flowers that are blooming. God does that too. He is the master horticulturist and he makes all things new.
Then leaves will start to fall and then winter will come again and the flowers may die as we have struggles in our lives, but if you let God plant a seed in your heart that becomes a bud to a beautiful flower His love in you and yours for Him will grow forever, and there will always be a bloom despite whatever hardship you may face.
You will be a beautiful rose despite that you are surrounded by thorns.
Tuesday, November 4, 2008
Women, Wives and Mothers
I told my husband last night that he will never understand me until he gains an understanding of women. Tall Order! But is it truly possible? It is a question I plan to ask God when I see Him. There will be lots of questions. Like why when a husband and wife go to bed is the man there for the sole purpose of sleep, has a totally clear mind for relaxation, is out in seconds, but the women is there ready to get into a full fledged conversation? Oh I know that there are books galore on this subject, but we will always be distinctly different and I do not believe we'll totally understand until we see God in full. And it can be so frustrating until you just finally give in and reckon with it whether we truly understand our differences or not. Nothing deep, just noted.
And I’ve also decided that there is nothing in this world, not toys, iPods, music, books, friends, computers, cell phones or anything else that makes a child happier than knowing his parents love each other and that they show it.
God help me to recommit to be a better wife and mother. Help me make my husband feel loved and enable my child to feel secure and happy as I demonstrate this. In Jesus name, Amen.
And I’ve also decided that there is nothing in this world, not toys, iPods, music, books, friends, computers, cell phones or anything else that makes a child happier than knowing his parents love each other and that they show it.
God help me to recommit to be a better wife and mother. Help me make my husband feel loved and enable my child to feel secure and happy as I demonstrate this. In Jesus name, Amen.
Sunday, August 17, 2008
Who are you going to be when you grow up?
Little Blog…Big Meaning
Ministry or Plumber?
(read the addendum)
My husband and I were sitting outside on the deck the other day just chatting. I don’t know how this came up but we started talking about the church. My husband did not grow up in the church and did not become a Christian until he went to the Naval Academy where he was befriended and became a believer at age 19. At that time he began to attend church. My father was a preacher so I was raised in the church, but I did not become a true believer until I was 19 also. We both came from different directions but ended up on the same path, as far as the age we became Christians.
We’re sitting there on the deck and my husband made mention of one thing he had never understood in the church and it was something that really bugged him. I guess this is going to be a toe stepper. I had never really noticed it being raised in church, but my husband questioned “why” when a youth decides to go into the ministry, become a preacher, missionary or whatever Christian service there is this huge expected celebratory response and everyone encourages the youth? Now of course this should be celebrated, it’s a big calling and should be supported and encouraged. In our denomination it is customary for the person to come forward and be presented to the church.
But my husband’s beef is this: What if some youth were to stand in front of the church and he announced he was going to serve God with all his heart and that he had been called to be a plumber….or engineer or any other kind of profession or trade. Would the eyes in the congregation fall and people look down in embarrassment? Would their choice of work be less of a ministry or less celebrated? In the church are we sending our youth the wrong message that being in the ministry is more, because no kid is going to get up in the church and say that. I’ve never seen it happen. Now why is that?
What does it matter what we do occupationally as long as we love God and serve others?
The Bible says:
Colossians 3:17
17And whatever you do, whether in word or deed, do it all in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through him.
Colossians 3:23
23Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as working for the Lord, not for men
I Corinthians 15:58
Therefore, my dear brothers, stand firm. Let nothing move you. Always give yourselves fully to the work of the Lord, because you know that your labor in the Lord is not in vain.
1 Peter 1:17
17Since you call on a Father who judges each man's work impartially, live your lives as strangers here in reverent fear.
Whatever we do, as long as we are serving God by him being evident in our lives, it’s not the occupation… it’s the attitude of the heart and our service to others.
What do you want to be when you grow up?
ADDENDUM: I've chosen after several days of thought that I half-way agree and half-way disagree with this opinion. Oh sure, there are shallow christians in this world, but I think for the most part I have to conclude that if I were a young person, or older, and made a decision in whatever respectful occupation that that would be supported... or maybe not. What does it matter? Because in all things only Christ is most important than life on earth itself and He is to be shared in our personal lives and our occupations, whatever that may be. No calling is above any one else's because we will ALL give account in the eyes of God.
Follow-up: I read these blogs through on occasion, not because I think I'm a great writer, but to keep a check on how "I'm" doing. Well, tonite I realized I wasn't doing so good on this one. As I was reading over this blog I was breezing through the scriptures above and I felt God said slow down and "really" read them. This one stood out, "23Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as working for the Lord, not for men". I read it over and I realized that there was a service I had been doing that I had stopped because of the way someone treated me. So all of a sudden I was "working for men". I didn't like that so I quit. Uh Oh. So I must humble myself and get back to the task as it did bring me great joy in the Lord. Yes, that person will probably be there, but I must keep my eyes on Jesus and get back to working for the Lord. Sometimes we have to go ahead and do something and let the heart catch up. I believe God honors that also. God is so wise. Thanks God for pointing that out. :)
Ministry or Plumber?
(read the addendum)
My husband and I were sitting outside on the deck the other day just chatting. I don’t know how this came up but we started talking about the church. My husband did not grow up in the church and did not become a Christian until he went to the Naval Academy where he was befriended and became a believer at age 19. At that time he began to attend church. My father was a preacher so I was raised in the church, but I did not become a true believer until I was 19 also. We both came from different directions but ended up on the same path, as far as the age we became Christians.
We’re sitting there on the deck and my husband made mention of one thing he had never understood in the church and it was something that really bugged him. I guess this is going to be a toe stepper. I had never really noticed it being raised in church, but my husband questioned “why” when a youth decides to go into the ministry, become a preacher, missionary or whatever Christian service there is this huge expected celebratory response and everyone encourages the youth? Now of course this should be celebrated, it’s a big calling and should be supported and encouraged. In our denomination it is customary for the person to come forward and be presented to the church.
But my husband’s beef is this: What if some youth were to stand in front of the church and he announced he was going to serve God with all his heart and that he had been called to be a plumber….or engineer or any other kind of profession or trade. Would the eyes in the congregation fall and people look down in embarrassment? Would their choice of work be less of a ministry or less celebrated? In the church are we sending our youth the wrong message that being in the ministry is more, because no kid is going to get up in the church and say that. I’ve never seen it happen. Now why is that?
What does it matter what we do occupationally as long as we love God and serve others?
The Bible says:
Colossians 3:17
17And whatever you do, whether in word or deed, do it all in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through him.
Colossians 3:23
23Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as working for the Lord, not for men
I Corinthians 15:58
Therefore, my dear brothers, stand firm. Let nothing move you. Always give yourselves fully to the work of the Lord, because you know that your labor in the Lord is not in vain.
1 Peter 1:17
17Since you call on a Father who judges each man's work impartially, live your lives as strangers here in reverent fear.
Whatever we do, as long as we are serving God by him being evident in our lives, it’s not the occupation… it’s the attitude of the heart and our service to others.
What do you want to be when you grow up?
ADDENDUM: I've chosen after several days of thought that I half-way agree and half-way disagree with this opinion. Oh sure, there are shallow christians in this world, but I think for the most part I have to conclude that if I were a young person, or older, and made a decision in whatever respectful occupation that that would be supported... or maybe not. What does it matter? Because in all things only Christ is most important than life on earth itself and He is to be shared in our personal lives and our occupations, whatever that may be. No calling is above any one else's because we will ALL give account in the eyes of God.
Follow-up: I read these blogs through on occasion, not because I think I'm a great writer, but to keep a check on how "I'm" doing. Well, tonite I realized I wasn't doing so good on this one. As I was reading over this blog I was breezing through the scriptures above and I felt God said slow down and "really" read them. This one stood out, "23Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as working for the Lord, not for men". I read it over and I realized that there was a service I had been doing that I had stopped because of the way someone treated me. So all of a sudden I was "working for men". I didn't like that so I quit. Uh Oh. So I must humble myself and get back to the task as it did bring me great joy in the Lord. Yes, that person will probably be there, but I must keep my eyes on Jesus and get back to working for the Lord. Sometimes we have to go ahead and do something and let the heart catch up. I believe God honors that also. God is so wise. Thanks God for pointing that out. :)
Monday, August 11, 2008
Johnny and Me
Johnny and Me
A lesson on Forgiveness
Johnny was my brother and we were both adopted from different foster homes. Johnny was adopted at 11 months old and he was the most beautiful baby boy. I still have pictures and yes, indeed he was beautiful. My parents were so proud! I was later adopted at the age of 2 ½ years old and did not compare to the beauty of my brother as I was covered in fifth and bug bites. I could not walk without falling because my legs were crooked, but my new parents chose me because of my condition and having already been in 5 different living situations. They took me to a specialist and I wore a brace at night for several years until my legs straightened. It was by no means a pleasant experience for me, but I appreciate my parents for their concern and care for me in giving me a new life. Johnny’s father was in prison for car theft and my Mother wanted to keep me, but despite her circumstances just could not, and I was finally turned over to the judge and a pastor friend of my Dad’s notified him about me.
I guess my brother and I were typical siblings, fighting and arguing all the time, but there was one thing that I couldn’t stand and that was for other kids to pick on Johnny. You see, Johnny was big for his age and never bullied anyone, but he was constantly bullied because he had a soft heart and would not fight back…or maybe he was just afraid. It would frustrate my father to no end that Johnny would not defend himself. He would ridicule my brother. He would try to teach him to box, but my brother refused, so me being a tomboy would say “teach me”, so my father taught me to fight and shunned my brother. My father also tried to teach Johnny to play pool, but my brother wasn’t good at it, so I would say “teach me!” And then my father would teach me how to play pool instead.
The things my father tried to teach Johnny and failed led to my father’s disappointment and he treated my brother like a sissy. Well we were kids, so at the time I did not have the full understanding of how my father made my brother feel. Even into adulthood.
But I do remember one time Johnny stepped up to the plate. When we were about 8 & 9 years old we had to walk home from school every day through the woods and there were these 3 big older boys who relentlessly teased and taunted us and would try to pick a fight with my brother. This went on for some time and I would dread our walk home from school. One day these boys went too far and push came to shove and all of a sudden a fight ensued between 2 elementary school children and 3 much older and bigger boys. I don’t remember all that happened that particular day, I do remember jumping on the back of one and I assume Johnny took care of the other two because we never saw those boys again. My brother and I were united that day and my brother stood up to the plate. You hear it said God can use ordinary people to do extraordinary things?...that day God did by giving courage in the lives of two frightened children.
The reason I am telling you all of this is because my father died when we were young teens and we moved many times as our family had to move in with our aunt and uncle. Johnny and I did not have much of a relationship and he quit high school in the 10th grade and moved away. I really didn’t see him again until I was about 26 when he moved to Texas where my extended family was living. I was out on my own by then, but was nearby and came home often and began to establish a relationship with my brother again.
It was about a year later my brother was diagnosed with a massive brain tumor. Before it was discovered Johnny worked as a security guard, and had started getting terrific headaches, falling asleep while standing and taking two hours to find his way home which was 15 minutes from where he worked. When he went to the oncologist the CAT scan revealed a tumor the size of a grapefruit on the center of his brain. They said it had been growing there for years. The day before they did the biopsy a kind pastor came to see my brother and brought him a hamburger and that day Johnny asked Jesus to come into his life. They performed the biopsy and it was malignant and he was given 9-15 months to live. He received radiation once, as there was nothing else they could do. He went home from the hospital and while he could still walk I would pick him up for church on Sundays. I was singing in the choir at that time and from the choir I would watch him with that big cowboy hat on and as the choir would sing I would watch my brother in the congregation cry like a baby and it would just break my heart. I don’t believe I continued singing in the choir much longer. As the tumor grew he was starting to get very emotional, but yet he became such a blessing and inspiration to people around him!
Nine months before he died he became bedridden and his wife, my mother and I would take shifts taking care of him. Even though Johnny was bedridden he was fortunate to have the use of his hands, and for the most part his mind. He did not have to suffer pain for most of his illness because the tumor put pressure on the areas that would cause it. He had an incredible positive attitude! I took care of him soon as I got off work from 5pm to 12 midnight every night and all his needs had to be attended to. Now you see, my brother and I never really had a close relationship until this time and we spent many hours talking. Sometimes he would get confused, but he was usually very logical. For the first time we had a good relationship, because for most of our lives it had always been strained.
One night, Johnny said to me that I had to forgive him for something. I said, “Whatever do I need to forgive you for?” Then he cried and told me after all these years how he had resented me because he felt Dad preferred me over him because the way Dad had treated him. I told Johnny that was not his fault; I did not need to forgive him. He persisted that I had to say the words “I forgive you.” So I told him I forgave him. My brother humbled himself and told me why he resented me all his life. The origination of it wasn’t his fault but he chose the responsibility to ask for forgiveness. But then I said, but Johnny? Don’t you remember when I did this to you? He said, “I don’t remember.” I said “what about this?” He said “I don’t remember.” I attempted many times to confess the hurtful things I had done to him, only to hear him say, “I don’t remember.”
The night he died I held this big 6'4" man's hand and sang to him all the Bible songs we knew as children that I could remember. We were united. When I looked at my brother after he passed away, he was not there because his soul was with Jesus. Through Christ leading, Johnny cleaned the slate and prepared himself to meet the Savior. I’m sure it was a glorious reunion!
My mother said the day before he died, Johnny sat up in the bed and sang every word of the song “Mine eyes have seen the glory of the coming of the Lord.” Every word.
I’ll be honest and say it took me many years to let go of the grudge against my father for the way he treated my brother. Tonight I had written a short anonymous note to someone who I felt had hurt me. It was not a very kind note. After I wrote this about my brother I tore the note up and threw it away. I have to remember what my brother taught me, and choose not to remember. It says in the Bible in Psalm 65:3“Though we are overwhelmed by our sins, you (Jesus) forgive them all.
I have to ask the question, how do I want to meet my Savior one day?...with a heart full of unforgiveness or with a clean slate like my brother? God help me when I’m hurt not to hold on to grudges and where forgiveness is needed let me be willing to forgive others and never be so proud not to confess and ask for it myself. “Create in me a clean heart Oh God, and renew a right spirit within me.” Because Jesus truly purifies the soul.
A lesson on Forgiveness
Johnny was my brother and we were both adopted from different foster homes. Johnny was adopted at 11 months old and he was the most beautiful baby boy. I still have pictures and yes, indeed he was beautiful. My parents were so proud! I was later adopted at the age of 2 ½ years old and did not compare to the beauty of my brother as I was covered in fifth and bug bites. I could not walk without falling because my legs were crooked, but my new parents chose me because of my condition and having already been in 5 different living situations. They took me to a specialist and I wore a brace at night for several years until my legs straightened. It was by no means a pleasant experience for me, but I appreciate my parents for their concern and care for me in giving me a new life. Johnny’s father was in prison for car theft and my Mother wanted to keep me, but despite her circumstances just could not, and I was finally turned over to the judge and a pastor friend of my Dad’s notified him about me.
I guess my brother and I were typical siblings, fighting and arguing all the time, but there was one thing that I couldn’t stand and that was for other kids to pick on Johnny. You see, Johnny was big for his age and never bullied anyone, but he was constantly bullied because he had a soft heart and would not fight back…or maybe he was just afraid. It would frustrate my father to no end that Johnny would not defend himself. He would ridicule my brother. He would try to teach him to box, but my brother refused, so me being a tomboy would say “teach me”, so my father taught me to fight and shunned my brother. My father also tried to teach Johnny to play pool, but my brother wasn’t good at it, so I would say “teach me!” And then my father would teach me how to play pool instead.
The things my father tried to teach Johnny and failed led to my father’s disappointment and he treated my brother like a sissy. Well we were kids, so at the time I did not have the full understanding of how my father made my brother feel. Even into adulthood.
But I do remember one time Johnny stepped up to the plate. When we were about 8 & 9 years old we had to walk home from school every day through the woods and there were these 3 big older boys who relentlessly teased and taunted us and would try to pick a fight with my brother. This went on for some time and I would dread our walk home from school. One day these boys went too far and push came to shove and all of a sudden a fight ensued between 2 elementary school children and 3 much older and bigger boys. I don’t remember all that happened that particular day, I do remember jumping on the back of one and I assume Johnny took care of the other two because we never saw those boys again. My brother and I were united that day and my brother stood up to the plate. You hear it said God can use ordinary people to do extraordinary things?...that day God did by giving courage in the lives of two frightened children.
The reason I am telling you all of this is because my father died when we were young teens and we moved many times as our family had to move in with our aunt and uncle. Johnny and I did not have much of a relationship and he quit high school in the 10th grade and moved away. I really didn’t see him again until I was about 26 when he moved to Texas where my extended family was living. I was out on my own by then, but was nearby and came home often and began to establish a relationship with my brother again.
It was about a year later my brother was diagnosed with a massive brain tumor. Before it was discovered Johnny worked as a security guard, and had started getting terrific headaches, falling asleep while standing and taking two hours to find his way home which was 15 minutes from where he worked. When he went to the oncologist the CAT scan revealed a tumor the size of a grapefruit on the center of his brain. They said it had been growing there for years. The day before they did the biopsy a kind pastor came to see my brother and brought him a hamburger and that day Johnny asked Jesus to come into his life. They performed the biopsy and it was malignant and he was given 9-15 months to live. He received radiation once, as there was nothing else they could do. He went home from the hospital and while he could still walk I would pick him up for church on Sundays. I was singing in the choir at that time and from the choir I would watch him with that big cowboy hat on and as the choir would sing I would watch my brother in the congregation cry like a baby and it would just break my heart. I don’t believe I continued singing in the choir much longer. As the tumor grew he was starting to get very emotional, but yet he became such a blessing and inspiration to people around him!
Nine months before he died he became bedridden and his wife, my mother and I would take shifts taking care of him. Even though Johnny was bedridden he was fortunate to have the use of his hands, and for the most part his mind. He did not have to suffer pain for most of his illness because the tumor put pressure on the areas that would cause it. He had an incredible positive attitude! I took care of him soon as I got off work from 5pm to 12 midnight every night and all his needs had to be attended to. Now you see, my brother and I never really had a close relationship until this time and we spent many hours talking. Sometimes he would get confused, but he was usually very logical. For the first time we had a good relationship, because for most of our lives it had always been strained.
One night, Johnny said to me that I had to forgive him for something. I said, “Whatever do I need to forgive you for?” Then he cried and told me after all these years how he had resented me because he felt Dad preferred me over him because the way Dad had treated him. I told Johnny that was not his fault; I did not need to forgive him. He persisted that I had to say the words “I forgive you.” So I told him I forgave him. My brother humbled himself and told me why he resented me all his life. The origination of it wasn’t his fault but he chose the responsibility to ask for forgiveness. But then I said, but Johnny? Don’t you remember when I did this to you? He said, “I don’t remember.” I said “what about this?” He said “I don’t remember.” I attempted many times to confess the hurtful things I had done to him, only to hear him say, “I don’t remember.”
The night he died I held this big 6'4" man's hand and sang to him all the Bible songs we knew as children that I could remember. We were united. When I looked at my brother after he passed away, he was not there because his soul was with Jesus. Through Christ leading, Johnny cleaned the slate and prepared himself to meet the Savior. I’m sure it was a glorious reunion!
My mother said the day before he died, Johnny sat up in the bed and sang every word of the song “Mine eyes have seen the glory of the coming of the Lord.” Every word.
I’ll be honest and say it took me many years to let go of the grudge against my father for the way he treated my brother. Tonight I had written a short anonymous note to someone who I felt had hurt me. It was not a very kind note. After I wrote this about my brother I tore the note up and threw it away. I have to remember what my brother taught me, and choose not to remember. It says in the Bible in Psalm 65:3“Though we are overwhelmed by our sins, you (Jesus) forgive them all.
I have to ask the question, how do I want to meet my Savior one day?...with a heart full of unforgiveness or with a clean slate like my brother? God help me when I’m hurt not to hold on to grudges and where forgiveness is needed let me be willing to forgive others and never be so proud not to confess and ask for it myself. “Create in me a clean heart Oh God, and renew a right spirit within me.” Because Jesus truly purifies the soul.
Sunday, April 27, 2008
Tears for a Bunny but more Cares for the World
It’s Sunday night…well now it’s actually Monday morning, my husband is sound asleep on the sofa and I had to decided to go to bed. In my last writing I wrote about not being my worst enemy by not letting my past and thoughts envelop my future.
But you know, there will be times that you will remember something from the past and it has to be reckoned with as to why suddenly you remember something years later and what are you going to do with it?
When my brother and I were about 8 and 9 years old we were given a darling bunny rabbit. He was so adorable. We had not had him long and since my Father traveled we would sometimes go on week long trips as a whole family. Well this was a week long trip that ended in misery.
We had put the bunny in the basement with nourishment to last until we got back. To get down to the basement was a steep stairway. Well, when we got back we found this sweet little bunny, down at the bottom of the stairs dead. It totally broke my heart. So I’m lying in bed tonight thinking about what had happened. My Mother has always told me that I have too soft of a heart, but I don’t see that as a negative trait. I imagine that the bunny being left alone, felt isolated, he got lonely and he was afraid. So he hopped up those steep stairs to try to have those needs met. But the stairs were steep and when he turned around he fell down the stairs to his death. Just now I was thinking of this and I lay in bed and cried for almost an hour.
I said to God “surely after 40 years there would be some meaning for me to suddenly remember that story and even cry about it?” What is the purpose? What is Your purpose Lord?
There are so many people in this world who feel abandoned, alone and afraid, or just that something is missing. They reach out for help but all that is given is some temporary nourishment that just doesn’t fill their hearts. And other people cannot completely do that for them. Only Jesus can fill the deepest needs of the heart. People climb the steep stairs of life reaching for anything; false religions, disbelief that God exists, they search for intellegence, money, things and anyone or anything to meet their needs…but without Christ the Crucified they will fall back down every time and if they continue through this life without Jesus and reject him one day they will be at the bottom of the stairs and then sadly enough because they never accepted the Savior they will spend eternity in Hell.
Do you know how to truly know that if you died tonight you’d spend the rest of eternity in heaven? You can right now. FIRST: Ask God to block out anything or influence that would keep you from understanding this.
This is what it says in the Bible:
“For everyone has sinned (done wrong things): we all fall short of God’s standard.” Romans 3:23 (which means no one is good enough to measure up to God's perfection)
“For the wages of sin is death, but the free gift of God is eternal life through Christ Jesus our Lord.” Romans 6:23 (God's love is a gift, but you have to accept a gift, it is totally free)
God saves you by his grace when you believe, you can’t take credit for this; it is a gift of God. Salvation is not a reward for the good things we have done, so none of us can boast about it. Ephesians 2: 8-9 (God has done something that we do not deserve, but it is all by his unmerited favor towards us, not by the good things we do because only Jesus through his death on the cross can be the bridge to God)
“But God showed his great love for us by sending Christ to die for us while were still sinners.” Romans 5:8 (God's timing is perfect)
You see? “For God loved the world so much that he gave his one and only Son, so that who believes in him will not perish but have eternal life.” John 3:16 (God sent his son Jesus, His only Son because God knew there was no other to take our place for the penalty of our wrong doings, our sin)
It’s this easy: “If you confess with your mouth that Jesus is Lord and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, you will be saved.” Romans 10:9-10
(Just pray a quick prayer and ask God to forgive you, ask Jesus to come be in your life and then thank him, God will completely clear every sin you've ever commited and your name will be written in the Lamb's Book of Life and you will spend forever in Heaven.)
The main question we will all be asked by God when we die or when this world comes to an end is "Did you know my Son? What will you answer? Will your name be in the Lamb's Book of Life?
Don’t delay it…do it today! None of us know when our lives will end. Life is short and we take it so for granted. My brother died at age 28 and I thank God that he chose to believe in Christ after being an antheist for so many years. God gave him a second chance before he died and my brother took it. We may give up on God but he will never, ever give up on us, unless we wait too late. My next blog soon will be a story about my brother. His name was Johnny. He is in Heaven now and I praise and thank God for that. There is no sin too great that God won't forgive. Goodnight.
But you know, there will be times that you will remember something from the past and it has to be reckoned with as to why suddenly you remember something years later and what are you going to do with it?
When my brother and I were about 8 and 9 years old we were given a darling bunny rabbit. He was so adorable. We had not had him long and since my Father traveled we would sometimes go on week long trips as a whole family. Well this was a week long trip that ended in misery.
We had put the bunny in the basement with nourishment to last until we got back. To get down to the basement was a steep stairway. Well, when we got back we found this sweet little bunny, down at the bottom of the stairs dead. It totally broke my heart. So I’m lying in bed tonight thinking about what had happened. My Mother has always told me that I have too soft of a heart, but I don’t see that as a negative trait. I imagine that the bunny being left alone, felt isolated, he got lonely and he was afraid. So he hopped up those steep stairs to try to have those needs met. But the stairs were steep and when he turned around he fell down the stairs to his death. Just now I was thinking of this and I lay in bed and cried for almost an hour.
I said to God “surely after 40 years there would be some meaning for me to suddenly remember that story and even cry about it?” What is the purpose? What is Your purpose Lord?
There are so many people in this world who feel abandoned, alone and afraid, or just that something is missing. They reach out for help but all that is given is some temporary nourishment that just doesn’t fill their hearts. And other people cannot completely do that for them. Only Jesus can fill the deepest needs of the heart. People climb the steep stairs of life reaching for anything; false religions, disbelief that God exists, they search for intellegence, money, things and anyone or anything to meet their needs…but without Christ the Crucified they will fall back down every time and if they continue through this life without Jesus and reject him one day they will be at the bottom of the stairs and then sadly enough because they never accepted the Savior they will spend eternity in Hell.
Do you know how to truly know that if you died tonight you’d spend the rest of eternity in heaven? You can right now. FIRST: Ask God to block out anything or influence that would keep you from understanding this.
This is what it says in the Bible:
“For everyone has sinned (done wrong things): we all fall short of God’s standard.” Romans 3:23 (which means no one is good enough to measure up to God's perfection)
“For the wages of sin is death, but the free gift of God is eternal life through Christ Jesus our Lord.” Romans 6:23 (God's love is a gift, but you have to accept a gift, it is totally free)
God saves you by his grace when you believe, you can’t take credit for this; it is a gift of God. Salvation is not a reward for the good things we have done, so none of us can boast about it. Ephesians 2: 8-9 (God has done something that we do not deserve, but it is all by his unmerited favor towards us, not by the good things we do because only Jesus through his death on the cross can be the bridge to God)
“But God showed his great love for us by sending Christ to die for us while were still sinners.” Romans 5:8 (God's timing is perfect)
You see? “For God loved the world so much that he gave his one and only Son, so that who believes in him will not perish but have eternal life.” John 3:16 (God sent his son Jesus, His only Son because God knew there was no other to take our place for the penalty of our wrong doings, our sin)
It’s this easy: “If you confess with your mouth that Jesus is Lord and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, you will be saved.” Romans 10:9-10
(Just pray a quick prayer and ask God to forgive you, ask Jesus to come be in your life and then thank him, God will completely clear every sin you've ever commited and your name will be written in the Lamb's Book of Life and you will spend forever in Heaven.)
The main question we will all be asked by God when we die or when this world comes to an end is "Did you know my Son? What will you answer? Will your name be in the Lamb's Book of Life?
Don’t delay it…do it today! None of us know when our lives will end. Life is short and we take it so for granted. My brother died at age 28 and I thank God that he chose to believe in Christ after being an antheist for so many years. God gave him a second chance before he died and my brother took it. We may give up on God but he will never, ever give up on us, unless we wait too late. My next blog soon will be a story about my brother. His name was Johnny. He is in Heaven now and I praise and thank God for that. There is no sin too great that God won't forgive. Goodnight.
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